another year over

Another year over and a new one's just begun. Isn't that how the song goes?



So how did we do? I think I did pretty good. learned a lot, read a lot, and even grew a lot... at least on the inside.



My daughter turned 16 yesterday. holy crap! How in the hell did she get to be 16!



Christmas still doesn't feel like it used to. It use to be something to look forward to, and now it's something to look forward to ending. When did that happen.

Life gets faster but things stay the same.



I still love to hate my husband but I'm thinking that's normal as husbands go.

know one knows me better.

Know one knows me better than my bottle of wine.

Blogging at work

Well, It's probably not the greatest idea I have ever come up with. But at least here I have some time.

Today is Kristin's birthday. Were the big 25 today. I got to thinking where I was at 25. I was living in my parents basement with a 3 year old. I was in a disaster of a relationship. Sadder than hell. Thank god for 30's.

Kate is getting ready for school. She's pretty excited. So am I, I have nothing but good hopes for her and the goals she has this year. It's my greatest wish that she does well. She has her friend sleeping over tomorrow.

I think for my day off, I might go to the movies by myself. I finished the book Eat,Pray,Love and it is now a movie. Perhaps that is what I will do with my day tomorrow. Wow time alone outside of work and the house... Holy shit! lol.

Robbie is Robbie. The same predictable most incredible man on the planet. God how I adore him.

Justin is the same old terror. Truth is he could be a terror. But he is my most amazing SUN. He is so much like his father lately I want to laugh out loud.

I have not heard from Keri since she left in February. That's typical of Keri. She is all she will ever need.

So that's your weekly update. I know, tres exciting huh?

you don't bring me flowers anymore

Rob's alarm went off today (Sunday) at 5am. He let the snooze go off 3 times. If he didn't plan on getting up until 5:30 shouldn't he have set it for then? After that I couldn't sleep. I laid awake for him to come back after showering and dressing for work to kiss me goodbye... I waited and waited but he never came. I got up to find him, he had already left.

Just yesterday I asked him if he thought the romance had left us? His reply was that he didn't think so, we had just been very busy. We've been busy for months now. Not even our holiday in June helped us. Now moments like the above are becoming a daily experience.

I guess I better get going on this inner happiness search I've been working on. It seems the only true love affair that will sustain me.

I absolutely adore him. I can't see myself with anyone else in my life. I know he feels the same way. Why is it then that we cant get into a habit of really loving each other anymore.

Does anyone out there have the answer? Oh, I forgot.. no one out there reads this stuff :)

Perhaps the answer will come to me at work today. At least I know what to expect from them and I'm good at what I do. God I sound like my mother.

Somethings gotta give.

Resolutions Revisited

I made some promises to myself this year. I gave myself a list of 10 tasks.

1. loose 5 lbs
2. write a journal
3. read 12 books
4. Save $1200.00
5. 12 months of Robbie
6. finish my scrap books.
7. Book a group holiday OR sell $1000.00 of commission.
8. take a course
9. find happiness
10. get a promotion

Tall order huh..... Well with August being more than halfway I thought we should revisit the tasks and see how were doing.

1. I was 104 when I made the resolution, now I am 97. Yes!

2. I began blogging because I didn't want anyone to find my paper journal and incriminate me. I have done all I can to remain anonymous and as I expected, no one reads this blog anyway. Any watchers here... I think not. So another YES!

3. read 12 books. Well I am really trying. I have found through this promise that I really like to read. It's time I need to do it. But I have read or began to read;
- Push
- Still Alice
- Change of heart
- Always looking up - begun
- The Guernsey and Potato peel pie society - begun
- Eat/Pray/Love - reading
- Sarah's Key - bought to read
- Pirate Latitudes - bought to read

So I have read 3, begun 2, reading 1 and bought 2. For a total of 8 if I can get through them all. No....

4. This is one of the worst. I have a savings bond thing at work that will give me a savings bond for a total of $1200.00 by the end of the year. However I think that's cheating. At this very moment I have saved 130.00 but I fear that will be spent shortly. No...

5. 12 months of Robbie, HA! Not even 1 month of Robbie sadly. I was planning on giving him a simple gift once a month for absolutely no reason. That didn't happen. No!

6. I completed 75% of one book. I have at least 4 including my wedding one to do. No!

7. My commission sales are around 500.00 dollars for this year. So I might make the goal.. but for now, No!

8. Take a course. I have taken MANY. I am so thankful I made this promise to myself. My fitness courses have sent me into a new profession that I thoroughly enjoy. A big YES!

9. finding happiness has sent me on a journey. I can honestly say that I have found happiness. Now I'm looking for Divine happiness. LOL. Another YES!

10. Get a promotion. Well I made Part -Time Coordinator. Do mini promotions count? I'm going to say that they do. Another and final YES!

So it's a 50/50 success split! But I aint done yet!

So I'm happy.

I am still a terrible summer blogger.

I have come a long way in my new years resolutions.

the first was to read 12 books this year. Well, I have managed to read 2 so far.
PUSH
CHANGE OF HEART

I have a few others that I have half read. I have a new one though that I am getting quite into. Called eat,pray,love and it's hard to put down. A friend once told me that books find the readers who need them most. It's no blog secret that my life's journey lately is the quest for happiness.

Work offered me a mini promotion. FINALLY. I was not thrilled about it initially, but it has a huge amount of promise. I am the part time volunteer coordinator. It is what it sounds like. Only 10-15 hours a week with the additional hours coming from the fitness centre and the membership desk. Part time coordinator is better than no time coordinator. So I'm happy. Finally :)

I am also finding more time to spend with Kate. Today as an example we spent from 9-2 (5 hours) in our P.J's watching movies and eating junk.

Rob has also begun smiling more and calling me beautiful again. So I'm happy. Finally :)

I had a birthday recently. I sucked it up and dropped hints to Rob and the kids all week. They got everything I asked for. It turned out to be a great day. So I'm happy. Finally. :)

My mother came by on the long weekend to see me for my birthday. She gave me too much. Flowers, face cream, a bracelet and $60.00. She confessed on the spot that the bracelet was a re-gift. She called a few days later to confess the face cream was too. Guilt got to her. So I'm happy. Finally. :)

I have been given a unique opportunity to focus on me for a while.

So I'm happy.

Finally.

late posting.

I'm a terrible summer blogger.





Well, I'm back from my trip. It was fine. Nothing special. I was hoping for breakthrough romantics but that didn't happen. Same old sex with the same old side of faked orgasms. He tries so hard in all the wrong places. Faking it saves his feelings.





Food was edible Cuban food. We made it to the beach twice. Most days it was just say 6 of us around the pool. If there was 50 people in the entire resort I'd be surprised.





Came home to bickering children over who had sleep overs and who didnt do their dishes. Then it was off to work the very next day and then work 15 days strait. So by the time it was said and done, it didn't feel much like a break.





I applied for another manager position the day we returned. Interviewed well and was rejected. I have accepted that I am simply not management material. Were done with that. Working a 35 hour work week at $13.00 an hour isn't too bad. I could be doing worse.





Being on the fitness floor has not proven to be worth my while. I was promised 40 hours in a work week and I have gotten 20. It's fine. I picked up a bit at the front desk and being honest it would be nice to take some time for me and Kate. I have decided to give up the front desk and give the fitness centre a chance every other weekend. I hope its the right choice.





Rob has hit and miss happiness. I wish that was more consistent. Lately I can't do anything right.

and thus begins my summer!

1 day

Last night, going over the agenda for today looked like I was not going to have time to breathe today. I was all in a panic that I would be up until midnight packing for a flight I would have to be ready to go out the door for 2:30am.

Two of my personal training appointments called and cancelled. That opened up my afternoon quite nicely. I was able to pack myself, do the never ending pile of dishes and clean my bedroom.

I also managed to sell some travel while I was at it. :)

Now I just have my afternoon program, and one last appointment at the Y for 8pm. That's not too bad considering I'm already packed.

Robbie has been so miserable the last few days I feel like taking him to the airport and coming back home... I understand the stress. He worked from 11am to 11pm on Saturday and then went back in on Sunday 6:30am to 2:30pm. That weekend schedule is enough to make anyone grumpy. Add the stress of packing and it all makes complete sense. It just stinks that I am the one who he growls at. :)

But I'm trying to be optimistic. This vacation may give me food poisoning, but it is a week alone with my husband. And that I could use.

I have a new nightgown that I have not even seen on myself. I hope it lights the right sparks. I would really like this to be more of a romantic holiday than a vacation full of booze and excursions.

I guess well see. See you in a week!

7 days

7 days and I will be on a beach with my husband

7 days and I will lie in bed and trace every curve of his beautiful face, listen to him breathe, appreciate his strength when he holds me. All without ever looking at the time

7 days and it will not matter what our room looks like because everything is bigger than our room right now

7 days and I will be swimming with my fishie friends

7 days and I will have someone else cook 3 meals a day, and do the dishes

7 days and someone else will clean my room

7 days and I will be making love to my husband without the need to contain my volume

7 days and I can read an entire book without having to read the chapter before to remember where the hell I was in it

7 days and I will be drinking Cuban beer and lacing cigars for my Robbie

7 days and I will visit a country where people know the true meaning to struggle and have nothing. I will witness true poverty and remember just how very lucky I am.

Robbie said it best last night. He said this holiday isn't about the vacation.... it's about getting away. Amen to that! As I have said before, I am really not all that excited about this vacation for the sense of a holiday... I just want to get the fuck out of this country.

7 days.....

takes a big person to be little.

So I got my forms signed by my physician, but not before he made me feel so small, until I cried.


Who knew getting assistance for being little would be so hard. I have been through hell and I deserve a break. I am not manufacturing anything. I deserve this as much as the other more visibly challenged people.

Robbie informed me that he isn't going to the audiologist until we get back. Huh. That would have been nice to know earlier. I would have waited a little more and prepared better. Oh well, it's done now. I have also asked Sick Kids to send me a letter of diagnosis confirmation. I hope their records go back that far. That plus my half filled in Doctors note ought to do it. Yep he filled out half the form but signed it. I'm sure if I fill out the parts that he has missed, if they call him to confirm he will never remember what he wrote anyway.

This tax credit is worth a lot of money to those of us out there who have a disability. Through this experience as well as the rest of my life experiences to date, I have come to agree that they pick certain people to go through things like chromosone disorders, hearing/sight/mobility disabilities. We get up every moment and fight the fight. Lots of mornings I wake up to start my day and think... I dont really have to do this, I could just quit my life and stay right here.. but that would mean quitting on my kids, my husband and most of all myself.

I think loving yourself is the hardest part about being different that everyone else. It's hard to love what you see in the mirror. Then as the years go by you start to move forward from how tall you are or how big your head is compared to the rest of you. You start to love you for you.

This life has been a journey. I wouldn't change one layover, one missed flight, one cockroach motel.....

Well maybe the cockaroach motel

ironic

being born with a rare chromosome disorder you learn to fight the fight.

I am 4'9 (and three quarters) I weight 100lbs to the mark. I have the face of Russell Silver syndrome as we all do (like downs or any other chromosome disorder) and for a bonus I have many of the complications of the disorder.
- vision loss or impairment
- learning disabilities
- Anxiety / Depression
- ADHD/ADD
- mobility due to limbs not being equal
- bowel abnormalities

and this is the short list.

So when my tax guy told Robbie and I about this new tax credit the government came out with I figured hey finally a way to re-pay me for my childhood. Boy was I wrong.

It seems that having a syndrome does not prove that I suffer in my everyday life. -are you kidding me?- I now have to go to my shady family doctor and sell him on the idea of signing this form. I have booked the appointment for later today. I feel like I'm going into an interview. Isn't that silly.

I get so anxious at night that I hardly ever sleep through the night, about what I have no idea. I also have 70 year old knees in a near 40 year old body due to growth hormones taken in my teens - who knew the effects on some of these drugs in the 70's-. One eye is terrible. I cant retain anything new the first time round. list goes on and on.... HOWEVER without the shady doctors signature on the application there will be no tax break for me.

I see this doctor once a year to renew my birth control. 1 in 300,000 people land up with this disorder. He probably has no idea what I'm talking about...

Wish me luck!

14 days

That's the number of days until we go on holiday for a week to Cuba (again). I should be happy, I should be packed 4 times over by now, I should be dancing around my room to Cuban music... but I'm not. Infact I could really care less about this whole thing. Is that strange?

Robbie has been so miserable the last week that spending anytime with him lately isn't pleasant. Wow this is the first time in 6 years that I have complained about him in any way. That has to mean it's pretty bad.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, that were in a rutt and things will calm after a fashion, but it sorts itself out for a day.. and then were back at the beginning again.

Robbie's colleague at work had a stroke a few weeks ago. He's Robbie's age and build. He has lost all use of his right side, cant speak at the moment but thank god is still alive. He will never work again, drive again, ride his motor cycle again. Never.

I consider this as I think about my grouchy husband. If Robbie couldn't do for himself, he'd be miserable. I am thankful for our health. Thankful for our age difference so that I will have the means to continue to work a very physical job while caring for him through his later years.

I cant see myself living without my Rob, but at the moment renting him out would be an entertaining thought. No exchanges, he's the only man I want.... just a little less right now.

Narrow Daylight

..... and then we booked a Cuban vacation. In that one minute - 4 months of stress had been lifted. Robbie called me at work that morning and said that he saw it online. I did my travel agent magic and we were booked for only $275.00 per person including all taxes.

I got my husband back. We took our time loving each other that day. We lied in bed laughing like old friends.

I found new hope in my profession. Very optimistic over my summer. I may even stay in the fitness centre.

So much in one confirmation number. Were back to age playing again. Were back to taking time out to love again. We have even begun entertaining again.

Spent quite a bit of time in the backyard and over the garden this weekend. It's really starting to come around.

In 29 days I will be on a beach. Just my husband and I. I can hardly stand it, I'm so excited!

29 days.

Mid May

SACC is winding down. 7 weeks left to go. Hard to believe that another year is over already. Upon reflection I can honestly say that if I can do this year, I can do any year.

The problems at my centre are also my fault. My children's behaviour are a direct reflection of my lack of program planning. That will be on the top of my to do better list next year.

Now that I am confident that I have once again been passed over for a management position I can somewhat relax and focus on the here and now. Despite my lack of entrance into the management world, I have accomplished quite a bit this past 6 months.

I have completed and certified as a personal fitness trainer. My hours on the fitness floor are only going to increase with great expectations by my coordinator.

I am on the cusp of being certified as a group fitness trainer and will then be honored a class to teach every Thursday at 11-12pm. I am really looking forward to that.

Since Justin moved back home in December, we have come a great way together. I now not only love him, but also like him these days. He is becoming more and more like his father everyday... he should only be so fortunate.

Kate and I are also growing in our relationship. Every now and then I get a glimpse of an expression or a phrase and I see the woman inside of her waiting for her moment. It fills my heart to know that at this moment she can be all the things that I dream for her.

Robbie and I are coasting. We don't take time out to love each other every night like we used to but I know the love is still there, hiding between the yawns and sleepy eyes. I'm not sure what our relationship needs, but we do need something... A vacation? A romantic weekend? At this moment I'd take 4 hours alone at home. With this household, that will never happen. We used to rationalise a $200.00 weekend away for the sake of romance. These days it seems that the more I make the less we do.

Krissy talks even less these days. When we ask her questions about her life, we are shut out or given the shortest answer possible. I just hope she knows how much I do care about her and her monumental daily events. She is so much more than she see's possible. It is her that I am most proud of right now for her strength and determination.

Keri will always be fine. Whether I am in her life or not. As long as when I am, I devote all efforts to Keri and her plan, life between us will always be good. One thing I am ever grateful to her for is her love and sisterhood to Catheryn. She will never know how much that means to me.

I look forward to my spring. To working less and gardening more. To spending more time with my children and finding my husband again. To wine and chimminea fires in my backyard. To entertaining friends.

The flowers in the backyard bloom in a welcome explosion of color and fragrance, the time is now.. exhale.

anniversaries

Today is my 4th anniversary.

I worked until 6pm.

We had take out pizza for dinner with the kids.

Rob left for a board meeting that has been going on for the past 2 hours.

He gave me a potted plant and a lovely card.

I gave him nothing.

Happy anniversary.

Sweet and Sour

About a week ago I successfully passed my personal conditioning exam. I am now officially a personal trainer. My plan is now becoming a reality.

I also had my first personal training client. His name is Kaas and he is 81. His left knee is terrible with arthritis and his right one is a replacement. He has hearing aids in both of his ears and still only hears 10%. And he is all mine!

I cover another Stretch and Tone class for Melida this week. I really love that group. Next Thursday I should be ready for my test. :) Then that Thursday low impact class is all mine! :)

This is all the Sweet part of the story.

I took a chance and applied for my boss' position now that she has been promoted to manager in Brantford. I was shocked that they called me in for an interview. I completed the interview and thought maybe I even had a chance. I was very saddened to find an e-mail waiting for me not 2 hours after my interview from my current supervisor who was also one of the staff that interviewed me. She was looking to have a meeting with both us as well as the other coordinators that I work with. She wants to talk about my schedule over the next few weeks.

In short it took them less than 2 hours to decide that I didn't get the job. There was still another day of interviewing to do. WOW.

Am I that terrible? Has my job performance over the past 4 years been that devastating? I am always the first they call when they need someone to do a task, so what's wrong with a promotion? I just completed presenting 2 professional developments for our sister branches. I was good enough to do that. I am disappointed. I find myself thinking thoughts of political corrupt. That these supervisors who I regard as mentors already had a person in mind for the position and I never has a chance for success, but allowed me to hope falsely. I am deeply disappointed.

This is the Sour part of the story.

Take a deep breath, keep pushing forward because tomorrow will not wait for you to sulk.

Sons and birthdays

Today my son is 22.





22.




Just because I didn't give birth to him, doesn't mean he's not mine.



I look at him and I see all the best things about his mother. His hair color, his slim Jim appearance.





I close my eyes and I hear my husband. How he argues, his playful sarcasm, the faces and expressions that he makes, his OCD for certain household items and chores, his instinct to protect the women in this house, and the best quality they share is their ability to love.





When these men love, they are done. It is a forever bond that they will protect till the end.





I think the most difficult thing about raising boys is teaching them how to be a good man. What makes a man a good one? Is it money? Attention? A great tutor? Sibblings or only child?



For my son it was so many combinations. House full of women, opportunities in sports, lots of friends. But I think the most important component in my Sons life that made him a good man was my husband.



Rob is my rock. He is a very fussy, opinionated, and sometimes rude man. I know that none of that sounds appealing to you but with him it can be. He has never let me down in our almost 4 years of marriage. I can honestly say that I have never been happier or more at peace in my heart. Loving him has always come quite easy, sometimes too easy and I have to pinch myself and be sure that I'm not dreaming. I know, gross and tacky writing but it truely is how I feel.

He takes care of the family finances... I have no idea what utilities cost anymore. He is an amazing male role model with my children. He lives for our family without many requests in return.

He is a man's man. All his friends respect him, seek advice from him... hell some of them want to be him. :0

Men like my son. I am so proud of my men. When I think of my daughters and what kind of mate I would like for them... they resemble the qualities I see in my son.

Happy birthday handsome.

Children

When your female and four, adulthood is so very pretty. You wish for the Cinderella wedding where you of coarse marry your charming prince. Move into a castle and live happily ever after.

When your female and eight, adulthood is very glamorous. You wish for a handsome man to sweep you off your feet. Have a great car and join you in a gigantic wedding ceremony. You will live in a big house with lots of fancy things. Have a house full of children and a dog.

When your female and fifteen, adulthood is the goal. You wish for the newest pop sensation to whisk you away and put your picture on all the tabloids asking "who's that girl?". You want to live in a fantastic industrial themed loft filled with only big expensive things.

When your female and twenty five, adulthood is upon you. You don't need any damn Prince whisking you away, you are all the success you need. You own the best clunker on the market and the basement apartment your renting is fabulous... As long as it doesn't rain.

When your female and thirty five, you realize "shit, I'm halfway to seventy" You thank god for the husband you have because the girlfriends you keep company with are all divorced or worse.... still single.
You live in a modest three bedroom townhouse because its cheap and they fix anything that breaks... eventually.
You have four children that you thank your good graces you only had to personally deliver one vaginally. Ex-wives of new husbands do come in handy for such occasions.
You find yourself feeding two dogs, a cat, a ferret and a Lizard and contemplate adding the words boarding house to your address.
You live in this house with your fifteen year old female (see above) your twenty five year old female university student(see above) your twenty one year old male university student and contemplate adding the words boarding house to your address. Lucky your twenty eight year old female graduate only comes home to the boarding house once a year between Korean English teacher contracts once a year.... for three months.
Sometimes I even pass my husband in the hallway and muster enough energy to give him a wink.

My birthday is three months away. I'll be thirty seven. Wanna know a post secret? I still have my tiara from when I was four. When I am having one of those thirty five and living in a boarding house days, I put it on and close my eyes... I am four again, I am living where my biggest concern is what my barbie will wear today. I am looking forward to my Kraft dinner and hot dog lunch. My aunt Marie is still alive and watching Dr. Who thinking that I am asleep with her on the couch. I am happy to be toilet trained. My greatest love is my blankie.

Take a minute out of your day, put your tiara on, close your eyes.... who are you?

karma

I have been frustrated with my employment for a few weeks as you know. Today was a great day.



After Christmas when we were all making our resolutions, one that I made was to take a course. I decided to take advantage of some courses being offered at my place of employment - YMCA. I have been studying both group and personal training. No studying doesn't quite paint the picture.... busting my ass is so much more realistic.

I have had 4 days off in 12 weeks and none of them were back to back. 90 hour work weeks where 1/3 of the hours were cooperative.

I am at the top of the rollercoaster.
You get on the ride and as the climb up the biggest hill begins you consider if you have made a mistake.... the climb continues and your strapped in and the climb feels like its going to take forever.... just as you reach the top you wonder if you can even do this at all.... and then, you take a grip-hold your breath-and make that leap into the ride of your future.

Until last week I was at the "is this ever going to end" stage. I have now invested 59 hours in the fitness centre doing everything from shadowing other certified trainers to washing down machines. In addition to this effort I have also invested 36 hours in group fitness classes doing everything from participating to leading small components. In addition to those efforts I have also invested 24 hours in Hydrotherapy classes doing everything from studying from the instructor to participating. A final addition to those efforts I have invested 6 hours in a total bone and joint class.

Did I mention that all of these hours were performed at the same time with a 40 hour paid position mixed in just for fun. Yup-I sometimes dont know how I'm standing.

Funny that the jobs I dont get paid to do are the ones I look forward to the most. Thats the Karma of the plan.

Maybe I will get the opportunity to be an Older Adult specialist. Maybe I will finally get out of school aged day care and feel productive again.

Maybe just maybe I have done enough good deeds that it's my turn for a little karma in my life.

The Beginning.

Have you ever found yourself at the beginning of your life? After 36 years on the planet it is society who has informend me that I am just a little person who has not accomplished very much.

I had a very ordinary childhood life, filled with the usual dysfunctional flare. I followed the little person path to life success that was instructed to me by my parents and other mentor figures.

I did things a little backwards, had my daughter at 20 and single. Tried to do something in college and failed miserably. Worked my way through the Recreation occupation as my mother had done (who is far more successful at it than I am I assure you). I left the recreation industry to persue my passion for travel completing a college diploma in travel and tourism, got a job as a travel agent and found that I was infact the worst travel agent in the history of travel agents. I left the travel industry and ran back to recreation with my little person humbalism and found a little position at the YMCA in the school aged child care department. After four years of doing the same little job everyday for just a little above minimum wage I decided to take a few courses. I completed the theory portions of both group and individual fitness leadership and was feeling pretty good about my new found place in the big world. I decided to push outside of my little person zone and apply for a job in the summer camp department as a director of a 300+ camper nature camp.

I was informend 3 days ago that I was not successful due to being too senior in the field and they were looking for someone who they could mentor. I was too old for the position? Were they really saying that?

To add to my little day, I recieved an e-mail from the coordinator of the fitness centre that she was happy to see me complete the course and while I was completing my cooperative hours on the weight room floor that I could spend a little extra time in there so that I can also look the part. I am too fat to be a personal trainer? Were they really saying that?

So we come to the part that is my beginning. I am 36 years old, 4'8" tall and 102 lbs, and too old and fat to succeed in my chosen field.

My plane has left the terminal without me and my little suitcase called my life. I was sure I confirmed the flight times 24 hours prior to departure.

So here we are; you and me in the departures terminal of my little life. This is where we begin.